Oh, Kansas. I love you. I really do. But some of our lawmakers are … problematic. Just in time for Valentine’s Day, Kansas representatives Randy Garber, Owen Donohoe, David French, Cheryl Helmer, Ron Highland, Steve Huebert and Bill Rhiley have proudly introduced House Bills 2320 and 2321, to try to invalidate gay marriage in Kansas, while making “straight marriage” into something resembling idolatry.
These two bills manage to attack the LGBTQ+ community, secularists, atheists and really anybody who isn’t an evangelical Christian.
I’ve cherry picked a few of the juicier bits, but honestly, both bills read like Christofascist dystopia porn:
HOUSE BILL №2320
AN ACT concerning marriage; enacting the marriage and constitution restoration act.
Ummm … okay.
WHEREAS, Civilizations for millennia have defined marriage as a union between a man and a woman
Sure. That’s true.
WHEREAS, The sworn testimonies of ex-gays, medical experts, persecuted Christians and licensed ministers demonstrate that there is no real proof that a gay gene exists, that the idea that sexual orientation is predicated on immutability is not proven and that sexual orientation is a mythology, dogma, doctrine or orthodoxy that is inseparably linked to the religion of secular humanism;
Wait. Since when are ex-gays, “persecuted Christians” and licensed ministers experts on human genetics? And the “persecuted Christians” bit is just one of a plethora of instances in which these lawmakers attempt to paint themselves as victims of the dreaded gay agenda, which of course includes such horrors as good haircuts and awesome footwear.
WHEREAS, The lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning (LGBTQ) community is organized, full and has a daily code by which members may guide their daily lives, which makes it a denominational sect that is inseparably part of the religion of secular humanism;
Wow. I’ve known my best friend Michael my whole life, but he’s NEVER let me know what his daily gay code is. It’s probably something like: 1) wake up 2) pray to Madonna (the pop star, not the virgin) 3) choose outfit 4) put on designer McQueen sneakers 5) attempt to convert the neighbor kids to the gay lifestyle when they come over to help with the gardening 6) Listen to Beyoncé 7) Make dinner for the husband 8) Go to bed.
WHEREAS, Instead of having a cross, the ten commandments icon, or star and crescent, the LGBTQ secular humanist community has the gay pride rainbow colored flag to symbolize its faith-based worldview;
Oh yeah. ALL my LGTBQ+ friends bow down to their rainbow flags every day, without fail, lest they face the penalty of losing their gay cards.
WHEREAS, The ideas that “a person is born homosexual,” or that “a person can be born in the wrong body,” or that “a person can come out of an invisible closet and be baptized gay,” or that “to disagree with homosexual orthodoxy premises makes you a bigot” are a series of unproven faith-based assumptions and naked assertions that are implicitly religious and inseparably linked to the religion of secular humanism
Here we learn … what, exactly? That that secular humanism is somehow a “religion”? That one must be “baptized” in the secular humanist church to be gay? That the gay closet is invisible? I don’t know.
WHEREAS, In the wake of the government’s entanglement with LGBTQ secular humanism, there has not been a land rush on gay marriage, but there has been a land rush by many secular humanists to persecute many non-observers of the religion of secular humanism
I can’t get past the use of the term “land rush” here. I looked it up, just to make sure there wasn’t some use of the term “land rush” I wasn’t familiar with, and there’s not. A land rush is … A LAND RUSH. It’s literally when people rush to claim land for themselves that the government has opened up for public settlement. There is no other use of the term, popular or otherwise.
WHEREAS, There are no ex-blacks but there are thousands of ex-gays;
Spoiler alert: There are not, in fact, thousands of ex-gays.
WHEREAS, Parody marriages have never been a part of American tradition and heritage and have nothing to do with the substantive due process clause of the 14th amendment of the constitution of the United States
Here’s where they introduce their bizarre concept of “parody marriages,” in which they assert that any marriage that isn’t between a cis-straight man and a cis-straight woman who attempt to reproduce their genetic code via penis-in-vagina sex isn’t a real marriage. Really.
WHEREAS, Marriage between a man and a woman arose out of the nature of things, and marriage between a man and a woman is natural, neutral and non-controversial, unlike parody forms of marriage that do not involve a man and a woman
It seems pertinent to point out here that straight marriage has never been anything close to natural, neutral and non-controversial. Traditionally, it’s been a way to own and control women.
c) “Marriage” means a legal union that represents an intended lifelong commitment between one person who was born male and one person who was born female as husband and wife, who are of equal but opposite genders, who become spouses of the opposite sex, and who have corresponding sexual anatomy that, if coalesced, have the actual or symbolic potential to create an offspring whom likely has the input of the two spouses with whom the same genetic code and ancestral chain is shared
Ew. Gross. Nobody wants to hear about your coalescing parts.
(e) “Parody marriage” means any form of alleged marriage that does not involve a man and a woman. The term “parody marriage” refers to a variety of so-called marriages that do not involve a man and a woman that amount to doctrines that are inseparably linked to the religion of secular humanism. The term “parody marriage” refers to so-called marriages between more than two people, persons of the same sex, a person and an animal, or a person and an object.
I like how they’re getting the jump on bestial marriage and object marriage, since those are CLEARLY on the horizon for Kansas.
c) The state shall no longer be in the parody marriage funding and endorsement business and shall disentangle itself from the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning (LGBTQ) secular humanist church pursuant to this section and the establishment clause of the 1st amendment of the constitution of the United States. The state shall not, through any government action create, enforce or respect any LGBTQ or any other secular humanist policy whether directly or symbolically.
So … they don’t want the state to charge for gay marriage licenses? Awesome!
(a) Policies that respect and endorse a marriage between a man and a woman shall continue to be enforced because the policies are natural, neutral, non-controversial and secular in nature.
Wait … didn’t they just say “secularism” is a dangerous religion persecuting the Christians?
Then we come to the accompanying bill, which redefines marriage for STRAIGHT PEOPLE. You can’t make this shit up.
HOUSE BILL №2321
AN ACT concerning marriage; relating to licenses; creating the optional elevated marriage act;
New Sec. 3. (a)(1) An elevated marriage is a secular marriage that the state can recognize without violating the establishment clause of the 1st amendment of the constitution of the United States or section 7 of the bill of rights of the constitution of the state of Kansas that is entered into by one male and one female who understand and agree that the marriage between them is a lifelong covenant relationship and who intentionally agree to being subjected to higher standards of commitment at the outset of their marriage as a matter of mutual consent
That’s right! They propose that in Kansas, straight people will have the option to upgrade their marriage to an “Elevated Marriage”! Aren't these the people who always complain about gays getting “special rights”?
And just how does one achieve an Elevated Marriage? Why, you ask for the special license and take the special straight marriage vow. Wonder if we’ll get our own straight flag, too?
The application for a marriage license and the declaration of intent shall be filed with the official who issues the marriage license.
(a) A declaration of intent to enter into an elevated marriage shall contain all of the following:
(1) A recitation signed by both parties to the following effect:
AN ELEVATED MARRIAGE
We do solemnly declare that marriage is a commitment between a man and a woman who agree to live together as husband and wife for so long as they both may live. We have chosen each other carefully and disclosed to one another everything which could adversely affect the decision to enter into this marriage. We have received authorized counseling on the nature, purposes, and responsibilities of marriage. We have read the optional elevated marriage act, and we understand that a marriage is intended to be for life, for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. If we experience marital difficulties, we commit ourselves to take all reasonable efforts to preserve our marriage, including marital counseling. With full knowledge of what this commitment means, we do hereby declare that our marriage will be bound by Kansas law on contract standards of marriage commitment and we promise to love, honor and care for one another as husband and wife for the rest of our lives.”
Well isn’t that special.
Thankfully, the chances of either of these bills becoming law is pretty much nonexistent. But they also presumably represent hours of wasted work and thus wasted taxpayer dollars in an attempt of lawmakers to attack and harass their own constituents. Kansans, PLEASE wake up and STOP voting these kinds of lawmakers into public office.
The full text of these bills can be read here: