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Narcissistic Abuse and the Anger Trap
My parents are angry, self-hating people. Even when they’re acting calm and composed, scratch the surface and underneath is a rage just waiting to be unleashed. Frequently, they unleashed that rage on their kids. My brother and I hung in there as long as we could, but right about the same time we both realized if we wanted to preserve any of our own sanity, it was time to cut the cord with both of them.
Ironically, now that I’ve finally walked away from the people I do not want to become, I find myself feeling trapped by my own anger, and I see my brother struggling with it, too. I went to visit him recently and I did something I shouldn’t have: I offered to “help” him with some cleaning, but I said it in a bossy older sister sort of way, and he exploded at me, so I apologized and left. We worked it out later and talked about how hard it is, living with C-PTSD, to keep from being triggered and blowing up with white-hot rage.
Neither of us wants to burn with this anger, because it’s physically, mentally and emotionally, damaging and exhausting. Being this angry only hurts us, not them. And that’s another challenge to overcome — the urge to strike back in some way, to “get even,” which is obviously both wrong and futile.
I heard this amazing quote from Tina Turner recently, about the lingering anger after leaving an abuser:
