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Republican Willing to Spend Trillions to Maintain Public Hellhole of Freedom
Goober Cletus announces his run for the White House
Today Goober Cletus (R) of Phoenix, Ariz., whose given name is José Cortez, today announced his candidacy for President of the United States, and says among his top priorities will be to secure American schools because Democrats have failed to do so. He rejected the notion that lax gun laws have lead to the proliferation of school shootings, and says he has the remedy for what ails American education.
“We have suggested solutions to school shootings,” Cletus insisted. “It’s just liberals don’t like them. We are willing to spend billions — trillions even — to keep our kids safe. We are willing to fund armed guards at every school. We are willing to pay for walls, turrets, barbed wire and AR-15s at every elementary, middle- and high school in the country. We will provide reinforced, bulletproof doors that slam shut and bolt securely behind the last pupil in the morning and don’t open again until school is out at 3 p.m.”
When asked why conservatives are willing to spend trillions to secure our schools, yet continue to make cuts to education, Cletus was emphatic:
“Americans understand spending taxpayer money on indoctrinating our children with facts is simply…
